Sometimes, the best wisdom comes from women who have walked through the valley and are still learning to keep their eyes on the hills. Welcome to our new series: Valley Hill Apartments!
Sleeping With My Sister’s Man
Written by Deandrea Moore
Her name was Carmen. She was beautiful on the outside and in–a homegirl to men and women. Men found her attractive and intriguing, but never knew what to do with her, so they always opted for the route of using her. They treated her like a shiny trophy, something to be won and placed on a shelf to collect dust. A thing that’s value was wrapped in bragging rights. Carmen had a habit of being picky while simultaneously being an expert in picking wrong. It was something she had down to a science. It was like they had a sixth sense that let them know that she didn’t really value herself or have high standards. Although, she was a master of ‘faking it til you make it.’
So here comes this guy showing interest in her and at first Carmen plays it cool, hard to get. She tries to ignore him and mind her own business. He’s persistent, cool, and collected. So he not only catches, but holds her attention. This was a big deal considering sometimes her attention span could be short. She decides to give him a chance. They start having more conversations which leads to them hanging out. After a few times of hanging out they eventually open the door to adult activities. Now she’s in what one would call a trance–a state of delusion if you will. It’s got her thinking she likes him more than she actually does. She’s ignoring red flags and not thinking clearly. The door they opened had different things waiting on the other side. For him it was the feeling of uninterest after getting what he wanted.
For her it was heartbreak, especially because he’ll give up on true pursuit and never get to know how truly special she is. So since he never had real intentions for her and her self-esteem was down by the river, he treats her like a secret. Lucky for him she can keep it. Mind you there’s nothing wrong with Carmen. She just didn’t value herself enough to make him commit and claim her. So she lets him get away with treating her like that.
Now this is where things get sticky. The whole time she’s sleeping with him she’s unaware that this man is actually her sister’s. Knowing her even if she knew it was her sister’s man her thought process would probably be: “What would you have me do? I was sleeping with him before I knew about you. I mean you’ve got eyes, you can see. You know what he looks like. Plus, I didn’t chase him, he chased me.” Silly logic, I know. It makes sense to someone though. It made sense to Carmen. She wouldn’t care that it was her sister’s man. Getting her needs met and having her ego stroked were much higher on her priority list. And you wouldn’t be able to tell her this man wasn’t hers–delusion had already settled in. Him leaving her with forehead kisses only sealed her delusion. What her sister didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her anyway.
I’ll let you in on one more thing: Carmen’s sister wasn’t related by way of biology. They didn’t share a parent of any sort. She was her sister-in-Christ. The same God died for both their sins, so that made them kin. Carmen’s ‘sister’ hadn’t even found the man yet. That didn’t matter though. God never intended for them to get together. That was somebody else’s husband. Her husband was out there somewhere, but God wanted her to wait and save herself for him. Many of us are out here moving like Carmen. We don’t value ourselves or our bodies, so we allow men access that wasn’t truly earned. Opening doors that are harder to close than we think. We are sleeping with our sister’s man and delaying the process of not only the man meant for us to find us, but of him finding our sister. Once Carmen understood this she could navigate dating with intention and think of herself as something precious–to be treasured and stewarded over.
Sis, navigate dating with intention and remember that you are precious. Trust that you are not meant to be hidden, borrowed, or confused with someone else’s place. What God has for you will be clear, covered, and committed.
Tannika Nikeya 