Sitting here pondering this. Could the healing journey be putting a strain on my relationships?
Setting boundaries and healing kind of put strains on your relationships for some reason, I suppose. Maybe it is because you are recognizing your triggers. Maybe it is because you are recognizing what behavior from others you no longer want to tolerate. Maybe it is because some people benefit from you staying the same. Maybe because other people may not be going through the healing process and seeing you go through yours may be foreign to them or uncomfortable to them also. If it is uncomfortable to you, I would assume it can be uncomfortable to those around you. I don’t know. Maybe because you are speaking up for your self now. Or you and your loved ones/relatives have different lifestyles or going in different directions now. Nonetheless, relationships take hard work. And the same mercy we are learning to give ourselves, we have to give others. And vice versa. But going through your own healing journey can be difficult on a relationship.
Extend mercy to your loved ones. Be patient with them. But also continue setting boundaries and healing with humility, self-care, forgiveness, God’s wisdom and grace.
And you and your loved ones must realize that healing, restoration, and living/functioning from such a state not only is beneficial to you but those around you.
Persevere one day at a time! You got this!
What are your thoughts? Respond below.
Loving others can sometimes feel difficult, and not just because we have our own free will, our own personalities and our individual issues. And not just because sometimes our experiences with others can be rocky and full of anxiety or stress. We can tend to love from our emotions, intellect, strength, and within our own lens and conditions instead of with an agape love, God’s love, love that comes from and is God. God’s love is not limited. We may not set out to love in a limited way but it can happen. So when a loved one takes too long to change, grow, respond to the love, or receive the love we have for them, etc., we may understandably get frustrated, afraid, sad, angry and more.
Think about it. As a parent, you may love your child with everything you got and gone get. You want the best for them. You want them to do their best and be their best. You want them to have a healthy, great future. But they may be disrespectful, making poor decisions, and letting everything you teach them go in one ear and out the other. They keep driving you crazy and you feel defeated. Or maybe you are patient and nothing they do can shift your hope or peace. But if not, maybe you are like countless parents who feel like throwing up your hands or letting them know they can catch a hand, lol.
Same thing with a spouse or friend (or even a colleague), your patience may be running low and you are beyond frustrated with them. You want them to pay for what they are doing or aren’t doing.
I remember I was frustrated at my child and one of the messages that hit my heart was have mercy. I believe that message was one from God. The Hebrew word for mercy is rachum and it means compassionate. Within mercy, there is forgiveness and there is compassion. When we deserved God’s wrath, He gave us mercy. When we deserved God to turn His back on us, He gave us His ear and His heart. And there are times now when we may deserve punishment or a certain type of consequence, but God gives us mercy. He may not remove every consequence, but He will give us His kindness, His compassion, His forgiveness, His patience and His unfailing love.
And so maybe someone in your life needs you to have mercy upon them. Maybe you need to give your own self mercy. God’s mercies are new everyday and we are definitely to have mercy upon others and ourselves.
Now this doesn’t mean to enable or to make excuses for someone’s poor behavior or choices. Nor does it mean to fail to set boundaries. This doesn’t mean to neither give or allow that person to face their consequences nor also to allow someone in your life that is not respecting your boundaries or that may be a danger to you or someone else in your life. So use discernment, stay alert and be proactive. Seek God’s wisdom in your relationships with others: family, friends, colleagues, children, spouses, etc.
Moreover, have mercy. Forgive and bear compassion to others around you. Not only because they need it, but because it serves your heart in so many ways and also because God forgives and shows compassion to you daily.
Remember to love others as you love yourself. Whew, Jesus, give us grace and teach us how to love ourselves.
Read this scripture below on mercy and forgiveness:
Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
Matthew 18:21-35 NLT
I don’t know if it is because of the Christmas season and day or because I am having some writing flow this week (been having Writer’s block for a while), but here is another post.
As I lie down in bed and after finishing composing my previous post, I am filled with thoughts of appreciation and gratitude. I thought of an elder who took time to teach me how to drive and pass the driving test. To this day (although unfortunately, I have anxiety and driving anxiety), I still remember the things he taught me as well as his kindness and patience. Mind you, I got my license late in the game. Another person I am grateful for is another elder who I endearingly called my god granny. Her humor, wisdom, kindness, and jazzy spirit was so amazing. I miss both of them, Elder Heath and Sister Dixon.
There are a lot of things that you may still be dealing with, but I challenge you to make a list of things and people you are grateful for. Let’s go! I just named two people. I am also grateful for a new day, a warm house, and family… The list goes on. I am thankful especially for my Jesus!!!!! Without Him, there is no me or no hope.
What or who are you grateful for?
It has been so disheartening to watch so many news reports and YouTube videos of so many women of all nationalities being murdered. It is especially scary and disheartening to see the majority of these beautiful ladies are Black women like myself. And even more unsettling is the back to back stories of pregnant Black women murdered and families left wondering why. According to Nature.com article, Homicide Is A Top Cause of Maternal Death In The United States, “researchers found that US women who are pregnant or were pregnant in the past 42 days (the post-partum period) die by homicide at more than twice the rate that they die of bleeding or placental disorders — the leading causes of what are usually classified as pregnancy-related deaths” (Subbaraman 12 November 2021).
We know that this world is experiencing much darkness in these times. We also know that the nucleus of society, family (relationship), is under attack, a severe one for its value, survival, and impact on communities.
So to see women, pregnant women, back to back murdered is shocking, but not so when you remember the enemy hates mankind and our chance for reconciliation with the Father through the blood and sacrifice of The Father’s Son, Jesus. To see us alive, operating in our purpose, and glorifying God are some things the devil scoffs at like the pre-intervention Scrooge at laughter on Christmas day.
When you see or hear another story of a pregnant woman slain, you may also wonder why. You may read comments on a YouTube video of blame, shame, and assumptions. But at the end of the day, we are living in a time where social media and technology have made news of such tragedies more swiftly widespread than ever. And we are living in a time where life isn’t valued as much, and lovers of self are increasing exponentially.
So why can’t there be divine order in many of our homes where men (good, integrous, godly, provider, protector ones) will be the heads of households? Why can’t women, and if I can be frank, why can’t Black women also, be protected? Why can’t men and women value family/marriage, and one that is healthy and thriving? Why can’t bringing a child into this world be one of joy instead of dread? Why can’t wedding day be something anticipated first and prepared for just as lavishly as baby showers? Why can’t both men and women communicate their intentions, goals, and expectations honestly and thoroughly before moving forward to sex, dating, etc.? Why can’t men hold themselves accountable also when it comes to procreating? Why don’t we teach our young adults before they hit that threshold to learn problem solving and understanding consequences and accountability? Why can’t we get back to promoting love over situationships, cheating, and lack of commitment and responsibility?
NONE of us are perfect and none of us have ever made great and right decisions ALL of the time or every time. But, let us be intentional with our relationships. Let us go out into this world having hearts and minds with the intention to bring peace and not division, destruction and harm. Let us heal and grow, and value ourselves and others. Let us learn to see ourselves the way God does to be able to do the above-mentioned. Let us get God back involved in a society that is sick and hurting, needing love and healing.
The song below prompted me to think about how love, raising a family together and relationship mattered. Feel free to listen.
Forever by Jodeci
I decided that I would catch a movie today around the same time my preteen was going to be seeing a movie with the program he is in. And this was an opportunity to take myself out. And I could wait for him while the kids were watching their movie. The movie I wanted to see was only playing in the evening time so I had to look for another movie. One particular film caught my eye. It turned out to be a documentary and I admit I seldom watch documentaries. However, this documentary was being produced by the Kendricks Brothers, and they do not disappoint. Remember the Kendrick Brothers brought us War Room.
This documentary happened to be playing around the same time as the movie my preteen would be watching. I was elated and interested in how the documentary would actually be.
I cried, laughed and expressed my heartfelt “thank You, Jesus” several times all while sitting reclined in my comfortable red seat.
The documentary is called Show Me The Father. It is a documentary from the perspectives and voices of men I wasn’t too familiar with. I was familiar with the Kendrick Brothers and Dr. Tony Evans but not the likes of Deland McCullough and Sherman Smith.
The documentary was about the impact of the fathers on the lives of these men. Some had fathers or even father figures who were present and pouring into their children as best as they could. Other had fathers and stepfathers not present, abusive, or struggling in some kind of way. Oh and the twist at the end regarding one of the men. Ok, hope I am not spoiling anything.
Nonetheless, what the Kendrick Brothers wanted you to realize is that there is one father that can fill the void of an absent father or a negligent father, and who loves us beyond measure. And that He can also heal the hearts of men looking to change the impact they are making in their children’s lives.
Whether you are a father or mother, the child, young or old, saved or unsaved, please go see this film. Whether your father was present, a protector and a provider or not present like mine, go see this film. And bring your kleenex.
After coming across and watching several videos lately on pretty privilege, colorism, anxiety, and a variety of life topics, I realize how brave many people are to address or express their experiences or views on such. And then I think about my own experiences in life and realize that we all have some things on our mental tape (minds and hearts) to deal with. What views and perspectives did you come to take on about yourself? How did your experiences shape how you see yourself? What patterns, traumas and events in your life fuel the way you approach life, family, work?
I thought about how certain things have been on my mental tape. Some have stopped playing. Some are rewinded back. Some are being scratched out and recorded over. But there are many things on it. And I suppose there are many things on yours. I was once asked when I was young if I was adopted or found somewhere (I am not adopted; I am my mother’s daughter). At the time, out of my mom and sister, I was the only one who was of a medium brown complexion. I don’t remember all of what I felt. But I do remember that it stuck with me and when I went home, I told my mom. And I remember a family member having my other family members laughing at me saying basically I smelled (I don’t think I did; I hope I didn’t lol, but I was a kid). I cried that night. And I forgot that when I told an adult the next day what happened that night, there was complete silence. Another time, in high school, I remember boarding a school bus to head to our homecoming game and one of my classmates came to sit by me.
Another classmate who came to sit across from him asked him why was he sitting next to me. I remained quiet but that too stuck with me. I was determined to have a good time at the game and show school spirit that I decided not to dwell on it. Fast forward to an adult, there was a smear campaign against me at work I had to endure that I thought I would never get through. I cried on a regular and was so hurt. There is heartbreak I had to endure from my first serious relationship. I remember he broke up with me over the phone. I remembered feeling like can he hurry it up. Just get it over with. I was angry and hurt. As soon as we ended the call, I remember looking out the window of the rear end of the bus. I was so glad I had chose the seat at the very back because I silently cried my heart out. Tears streamed down my face.
There are countless childhood and adulthood memories that as I typed were popping up in my mind. However, I am grateful for the healing journey that I am on and most likely will continue throughout my life. And that is okay. Growth and healing is and should be constant. I am also grateful that I don’t dwell on these things nor bear unforgiveness towards those who have played a part in these events that have left hurt or trauma in my heart.
Thanks to the Holy Spirit, the grace to do the healing homework and commitment to stay on the journey, I have learned some of the triggers to my anxiety. I have learned more about my flaws and why I may respond the way I do. I have learned some of my self-perceptions. I have felt not worthy and sometimes not pretty enough. I have felt like I have to give more, do more and be more to be enough (not all the time but I have noticed that this is how I generally feel). But God. Renewing my mind is crucial. Saturating in the Word of God is imperative. Learning to see myself in the eyes of God and love myself with His love can help me not only process what is on my mental tape but also add new things to it that will remind me I am enough. I am loved.
Moreover, this is not a woe is me message. I do have self esteem and confidence (this is growing). I do have happy moments and memories in my childhood and adulthood. I do have those who have affirmed me and supported me. But like any human, I have had and have still trauma and pain, disappointments and heartbreaks that I too have to heal and grow from. And in order to heal, you have to be able to allow some things to come to the surface. You can’t keep pain, old patterns, and feelings bottled up and hidden. Allow God to bring them to the surface. Safely explore these to see what is holding up the strongholds and generational curses in your life as well as feelings of not feeling like you are enough, anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness in your heart and mind.
Have these conversations with God first, yourself, with a therapist and someone you can trust. Let the healing journey begin.
Bring It To The Surface Poetry & Journal available now at Amazon.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers, godfathers, father-figures, spiritual fathers, uncles who bring a father’s presence to a child’s life. May you feel honored and loved on today.
And Happy Father’s Day to the Greatest Father of them all, God, my Abba!
Like boiling water in a lid covered pot
And I ask myself
Who would love me
If my father would not
Who would see my worth
If he disregarded it from birth
Who would be the first man to love me so
Who would, with love, care, and patience, tend to his seed to help it grow
Who would wipe my tears
And calm all my fears
And give me faith
That the little brown girl in me can too be loved and safe.
That she is worth more than a rare gem
Who can fill the void of a fatherless child
None other than Him
The Great I Am.
Nothing like a father’s love.
Yet no one can fill my void.
Only He alone.
–Written by Tannika Moore
Check out this beautiful song by Jonathan and Melissa Helser
Bring It To The Surface Available Now at Amazon