After coming across and watching several videos lately on pretty privilege, colorism, anxiety, and a variety of life topics, I realize how brave many people are to address or express their experiences or views on such. And then I think about my own experiences in life and realize that we all have some things on our mental tape (minds and hearts) to deal with. What views and perspectives did you come to take on about yourself? How did your experiences shape how you see yourself? What patterns, traumas and events in your life fuel the way you approach life, family, work?
I thought about how certain things have been on my mental tape. Some have stopped playing. Some are rewinded back. Some are being scratched out and recorded over. But there are many things on it. And I suppose there are many things on yours. I was once asked when I was young if I was adopted or found somewhere (I am not adopted; I am my mother’s daughter). At the time, out of my mom and sister, I was the only one who was of a medium brown complexion. I don’t remember all of what I felt. But I do remember that it stuck with me and when I went home, I told my mom. And I remember a family member having my other family members laughing at me saying basically I smelled (I don’t think I did; I hope I didn’t lol, but I was a kid). I cried that night. And I forgot that when I told an adult the next day what happened that night, there was complete silence. Another time, in high school, I remember boarding a school bus to head to our homecoming game and one of my classmates came to sit by me.
Another classmate who came to sit across from him asked him why was he sitting next to me. I remained quiet but that too stuck with me. I was determined to have a good time at the game and show school spirit that I decided not to dwell on it. Fast forward to an adult, there was a smear campaign against me at work I had to endure that I thought I would never get through. I cried on a regular and was so hurt. There is heartbreak I had to endure from my first serious relationship. I remember he broke up with me over the phone. I remembered feeling like can he hurry it up. Just get it over with. I was angry and hurt. As soon as we ended the call, I remember looking out the window of the rear end of the bus. I was so glad I had chose the seat at the very back because I silently cried my heart out. Tears streamed down my face.
There are countless childhood and adulthood memories that as I typed were popping up in my mind. However, I am grateful for the healing journey that I am on and most likely will continue throughout my life. And that is okay. Growth and healing is and should be constant. I am also grateful that I don’t dwell on these things nor bear unforgiveness towards those who have played a part in these events that have left hurt or trauma in my heart.
Thanks to the Holy Spirit, the grace to do the healing homework and commitment to stay on the journey, I have learned some of the triggers to my anxiety. I have learned more about my flaws and why I may respond the way I do. I have learned some of my self-perceptions. I have felt not worthy and sometimes not pretty enough. I have felt like I have to give more, do more and be more to be enough (not all the time but I have noticed that this is how I generally feel). But God. Renewing my mind is crucial. Saturating in the Word of God is imperative. Learning to see myself in the eyes of God and love myself with His love can help me not only process what is on my mental tape but also add new things to it that will remind me I am enough. I am loved.
Moreover, this is not a woe is me message. I do have self esteem and confidence (this is growing). I do have happy moments and memories in my childhood and adulthood. I do have those who have affirmed me and supported me. But like any human, I have had and have still trauma and pain, disappointments and heartbreaks that I too have to heal and grow from. And in order to heal, you have to be able to allow some things to come to the surface. You can’t keep pain, old patterns, and feelings bottled up and hidden. Allow God to bring them to the surface. Safely explore these to see what is holding up the strongholds and generational curses in your life as well as feelings of not feeling like you are enough, anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness in your heart and mind.
Have these conversations with God first, yourself, with a therapist and someone you can trust. Let the healing journey begin.
Bring It To The Surface Poetry & Journal available now at Amazon.
I am so excited about completing my new book. I didn’t know it would lead to the theme it has now, but God has me on a healing journey and the title change was so imperative. This healing journey has been one that has been lengthy, uncomfortable, challenging, yet imperative, enlightening, and such a blessing. I have discovered, thanks to the Holy Spirit and His grace to not abandon the process as well as so many things about myself. I have learned some triggers to my anxiety and where certain fears began. I am also learning to trust God and receive His unfailing love. I am learning to see myself the way God does. Moreover, prayer, learning to be transparent with God as well with others, facing my fears (one at a time), the Word of God, therapy, learning to be more present with myself, others and God are some things that have been crucial to this journey. (Note: I am still a work in progress.) Writing is another component of this journey and it has served as an outlet to express myself, learn, and cope. I have realized that my writing also serves as a tool to encourage others. My book, Bring It To The Surface, is not only full of poetic inspiration and encouragement but a journal to help you too to start your journey of healing and provide a space for self-reflection.
If you are feeling empty or lost, hurt or hopeless, stripped or depleted, know God who began a good work in you shall continue to perform it until the day of Christ Jesus. Know that He will also never leave you, nor forsake you. Whatever it is the enemy has killed, stolen, and destroyed in your life, God can revive, recover, and restore. And in order to heal and receive the abundant life Jesus came to give us, we have to allow God to bring some things to the surface. We can trust God who first loved us and gave His only begotten Son in order for you and me to have an eternal love and life. So, let the healing begin. Confess it, express it and then address it. God can handle your pain and God can provide the answers you need. I am so excited for this book to reach your hands and heart, and I pray you allow God to bring some things to the surface.
I am so excited to introduce to you my new book!!!! I have finally finished it and it is now available in the Kindle Store. The paperback version has been updated and is now available on Amazon. So, please get your copy or your ebook version now. This is my fourth poetry book and this one is different from my others. Watch the video and found out how!
Although much of our summer is moving fast and we are enduring many restrictions because of Covid-19, our summer is still present. Let’s make the most of it as best as we can. Think back of how you use to spend your summers as a child and the good times you had. There were fun things to do even for free and things that brought the family together. I remember when I was younger, maybe 8-somewhere around that age, and the fire hydrant was turned on. I remember many adults and children from the building my mom and I lived in were outside laughing, talking and playing. I remember the children playing and getting put in the blasting water from the hydrant. That was a great memory and moments like that brought the community together and left an imprint in my memory and joy in my heart. What summer memories you hold dear in your heart?
Read my new poem titled, Summer Vibes.
Summer nights of soft breeze and warm air
Bike rides down hills
Lightning bugs for sparkling earrings to wear
Hamburgers, chicken, and shrimp on the grill
Side dishes and desserts
Shopping and summer deals
Soul train lines and family jokes
Nights out with the cousins
Hot days and pool time
Church on Sunday
Vacation Bible School
And family fun days
Headphones and jams
Living life in real time before the gram
Amusement parks and walks
Pavement and chalk
Fire hydrants and water fun
Block parties and unity
The Summer vibes have just begun
By Tannika Moore