I was briefly reading Psalm 55 before a meeting this morning, and as I came across verses four and five I realized it described how anxiety feels. I am grateful that David was able to share his heart with God and thousands of years later, many us, if not all, can relate.
My heart pounds in my chest. The terror of death assaults me. Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. Psalms 55:4-5 NLT https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.55.4-5.NLT
Anxiety can be felt in your chest as it pounds to the beat of stress and sorrow. Anxiety can be a lump in the throat, making it hard to swallow the fear that does not want to submit and go away. Anxiety can be pain, stress, and fear boiling and rising in the pit of the stomach. Anxiety can be sweat and chills with tension and rapid eye blinks. Anxiety can be in the trembles of the body and the mind wandering a mile a minute with a plague of worries and thoughts. Anxiety can be in the avoidance of necessary activities in life or sometimes stepping out on faith in moments while having a desire to run and hide, costing you freedom and joy. Anxiety can be the mind stuck in the past or stuck in the future. Anxiety can feel like death is following, and no one can help or understand. Anxiety can feel like a death sentence as well as a life sentence. But God…
There is hope. And we are anxiety fighters. Thanks to God we can take one day at a time and fight through. We can develop courage and joy because the joy of the Lord will be our strength. We can learn about ourselves, how to endure, and learn to see ourselves the way God does. We can heal and grow, and many of us will receive the deliverance from the spirit of fear because God did not give us a spirit of fear, but that of power, love and a sound mind.
But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, though many still oppose me. Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. Psalms 55:16-18, 22 NLT https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.55.16-22.NLT
God is our safe place. God can and will sustain us. God cares about us and is concerned about everything that concerns us. God hears our cries and collects our tears. He is the answer to our problems. He loves us greater than anyone ever can. Jesus is a testament to His love for us. God reminds us to not fear. He is with us and He will never leave us nor forsake us. He is a present help in the time of trouble.
Let us ask God where we have not been trusting Him. Let us take a deep breath and rest in the God who loves us beyond measure and wants us to receive the life and life to the full He came to give us. Share with Him, like David, the contents of our hearts. And let us remember how good God has been and worship Him through the good times and bad, the certainties and doubts, and anxiety.
I decided that I would catch a movie today around the same time my preteen was going to be seeing a movie with the program he is in. And this was an opportunity to take myself out. And I could wait for him while the kids were watching their movie. The movie I wanted to see was only playing in the evening time so I had to look for another movie. One particular film caught my eye. It turned out to be a documentary and I admit I seldom watch documentaries. However, this documentary was being produced by the Kendricks Brothers, and they do not disappoint. Remember the Kendrick Brothers brought us War Room.
This documentary happened to be playing around the same time as the movie my preteen would be watching. I was elated and interested in how the documentary would actually be.
I cried, laughed and expressed my heartfelt “thank You, Jesus” several times all while sitting reclined in my comfortable red seat.
The documentary is called Show Me The Father. It is a documentary from the perspectives and voices of men I wasn’t too familiar with. I was familiar with the Kendrick Brothers and Dr. Tony Evans but not the likes of Deland McCullough and Sherman Smith.
The documentary was about the impact of the fathers on the lives of these men. Some had fathers or even father figures who were present and pouring into their children as best as they could. Other had fathers and stepfathers not present, abusive, or struggling in some kind of way. Oh and the twist at the end regarding one of the men. Ok, hope I am not spoiling anything.
Nonetheless, what the Kendrick Brothers wanted you to realize is that there is one father that can fill the void of an absent father or a negligent father, and who loves us beyond measure. And that He can also heal the hearts of men looking to change the impact they are making in their children’s lives.
Whether you are a father or mother, the child, young or old, saved or unsaved, please go see this film. Whether your father was present, a protector and a provider or not present like mine, go see this film. And bring your kleenex.
Around the time I was promoting my first self-published book, Setting The Captive Free poetry book, I did a promo photo shoot with some friends. I had us list what God had delivered us from. And I, myself, listed several things including anxiety, depression, generational curses, etc.
Looking back at that time, maybe that was true to an extent because life during that time was most likely okay and breathable. And I could honestly say God did deliver me from depression and even a suicide attempt years prior. I also know there were generational curses that were broken. But I wondered to myself, as I saw a reminder of the I Am Free promo, photo shoot and post, if truly I was free or capping as they say. Or maybe I felt free at the moment.
In any event, I notice that a lot of believers know that Jesus can and does set us free. Although we may still sin, sin no longer can reign in our lives. And although the world may never have the solutions to our problems, we have access to the throne of grace of the One who is the solution. But some of us are still walking around bound. The joy of the Lord is our strength but we rarely experience or spread joy. We are worried and stressed while God is ready to be given our cares and burdens because He cares for us.
Anxiety has plagued me for years. I would not realize until years later that even in my college and teen years, anxiety was present. It was present when I would get sick to the point of having to go back home after almost making it to the bus stop. And when I say I got sick, it was sick to my stomach… nevermind. Lol, I will stop there. It was present when I was lightheaded and hitting the floor. It was present at every moment of overthinking and worry. It was present with negative thoughts and self-pity. It was there when I felt like I had disappointed someone. And unfortunately, anxiety is still present.
However, now that I am aware of anxiety and what fuels it and what triggers it, I can have those informed conversations with myself and a professional. But more importantly, now, I realize I don’t want to just look free or temporarily feel free. I realize I can come to God and ask Him to help me to be truly free.
Sometimes, miracles and healing can happen overnight. Sometimes, it takes time. I didn’t get this way overnight, and there are a lot of components to address when someone struggles with anxiety or depression. So, I know this is going to take some time. But at the end of the tunnel, I pray that I am truly free. And that I heal from every stronghold and trauma and circumstance that is holding up the anxiety fear. I have to understand that deliverance sometimes is continual, and I have to learn to trust God through the process/journey. As well as surrender every area and layer of my life to God.
So if the Son sets you free,(B) you will be free indeed( John 8:36). Our Savior granted us freedom, grace, mercy, and an unfailing love. It is time we walk fully in such.
After coming across and watching several videos lately on pretty privilege or lack thereof, colorism, anxiety, and a variety of other life topics, I realize how brave many people are to address or express their experiences or views on such. And then I think about my own experiences in life and realize that we all have some things on our mental tape (minds and hearts) to deal with. What views and perspectives did you come to take on about yourself? How did your experiences shape how you see yourself? What patterns, traumas, and events in your life fuel the way you approach life, family, or work?
I thought about how certain things have been on my mental tape. Some have stopped playing. Some are rewinded back. Some are being scratched out and recorded over. But there are many things on it. And I suppose there are many things on yours. I was once asked when I was young if I was adopted or found somewhere (I am not adopted; I am my mother’s daughter). At the time, out of my mom and sister, I was the only one who was of a medium brown complexion. I don’t remember all of what I felt. But I do remember that it stuck with me and when I went home, I told my mom. And, I remember me being bullied and laughed at one evening at my grandparent’s home. I cried that night. I remember also telling an adult the next day what happened that night, which was met with complete silence. Another time, in high school, I remember boarding a school bus to head to our homecoming game, and one of my classmates came to sit by me.
Another classmate who came to sit across from him asked him why he was sitting next to me. I remained quiet, but that too stuck with me. I was determined to have a good time at the game and show school-spirit that I decided not to dwell on it. Fast forward to an adult, there was a smear campaign against me at work I had to endure that I thought I would never get through. I cried on a regular basis and was so hurt. There is heartbreak I had to endure from my first serious relationship. I remember he broke up with me over the phone. I remembered feeling like he could hurry it up. Just get it over with. I was angry and hurt. As soon as we ended the call, I remembered looking out the window of the rear end of the bus. I was so glad I had chosen the seat at the very back because I silently cried my heart out. Tears streamed down my face.
There are countless childhood and adulthood memories that, as I typed, were popping up in my mind. However, I am grateful for the healing journey that I am on and most likely will continue throughout my life. And that is okay. Growth and healing is and should be constant. I am also grateful that I don’t dwell on these things nor bear unforgiveness towards those who have played a part in these events that have left hurt or trauma in my heart.
Thanks to the Holy Spirit, the grace to do the healing homework and commitment to stay on the journey, I have learned some of the triggers to my anxiety. I have learned more about my flaws and why I may respond the way I do. I have learned some of my self-perceptions. I have felt not worthy and sometimes not pretty enough. I have felt like I have to give more, do more and be more to be enough (not all the time but I have noticed that this is how I generally feel). But God. Renewing my mind is crucial. Saturating in the Word of God is imperative. Learning to see myself in the eyes of God and love myself with His love can help me not only process what is on my mental tape but also add new things to it that will remind me I am enough. I am loved.
Moreover, this is not a woe is me message. I do have self esteem and confidence (this is growing). I do have happy moments and memories in my childhood and adulthood. I do have those who have affirmed me and supported me. But like any human, I have had and have still trauma and pain, disappointments and heartbreaks that I too have to heal and grow from. And in order to heal, you have to be able to allow some things to come to the surface. You can’t keep pain, old patterns, and feelings bottled up and hidden. Allow God to bring them to the surface. Safely explore these to see what is holding up the strongholds and generational curses in your life as well as feelings of not feeling like you are enough, anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness in your heart and mind.
Have these conversations with God first, yourself, with a therapist and someone you can trust. Let the healing journey begin.
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Bring It To The Surface Poetry & Journal available now at Amazon.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers, godfathers, father-figures, spiritual fathers, uncles who bring a father’s presence to a child’s life. May you feel honored and loved on today.
And Happy Father’s Day to the Greatest Father of them all, God, my Abba!
Abba
Pain rises
Like boiling water in a lid covered pot
And I ask myself
Who would love me
If my father would not
Who would see my worth
If he disregarded it from birth
Who would be the first man to love me so
Who would, with love, care, and patience, tend to his seed to help it grow
Who would wipe my tears
And calm all my fears
And give me faith
That the little brown girl in me can too be loved and safe.
That she is worth more than a rare gem
Who can fill the void of a fatherless child
None other than Him
The Great I Am.
My Abba.
My Father.
My Yahweh-Shalom
Nothing like a father’s love.
Yet no one can fill my void.
Only He alone.
–Written by Tannika Moore
Check out this beautiful song by Jonathan and Melissa Helser
This is my new series where I introduce you to some of the past material I’ve written. I have written skits for special events at church and I have also written short stories, some of which I admit are half-done. Did I tell you, I once created my own entertainment magazine in high school! But I won’t be sharing my little paper bootleg magazine. At least for now. Anyway, welcome to Tannika’s Writing Vault and enjoy!
THE WAITING ROOM (c) 2014
CHARACTERS:
FEMALE CHRISTIAN (distractions, broken fellowship with God)
TEENAGE MALE (living aimlessly, was shot)
MOTHER OF TEEN (burdened for her child)
ANGEL
MALE CHILD (aborted destiny)
SLUGGARD MALE (purposeless/visionless)
LADY DEPRESSED (gripped with fear)
CHILDLESS WOMAN (woman who aborted her child)
FEMALE ATHEIST (bitter and angry with God)
HOLY SPIRIT
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
Just a typical day in the ER at Mercy Grace Hospital. Its waiting room is full of people in need of emergency care. They will soon be going behind those doors; but don’t worry, the doctor will discharge them as soon as they have been examined and treated.
The cast is all sitting in the waiting room except the MOTHER OF THE TEEN. She enters the waiting room.
MOTHER OF THE TEEN: She walks in holding her chest. She sits down slowly.
CHILDLESS WOMAN: (Reading a book but looks up as the MOTHER OF THE TEEN comes in.) What’s wrong with you?
MOTHER OF THE TEEN: I’ve been having chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack.
CHILDLESS WOMAN: I don’t think it’s a heart attack.
MOTHER OF THE TEEN: No, but this is unbearable. What are you here for?
CHILDLESS WOMAN: I’ve been having severe stomach pains.
MOTHER OF THE TEEN: Food poisoning?
CHILDLESS WOMAN: No, it’s not what I put in it; it’s what I allowed to be taken from it.
MOTHER OF TEEN: Just looks at her with concern and a pause.
What were you reading?
CHILDLESS WOMAN: I’m reading this book I found over on the table called “The Doctor Patients Forget & Who Nurses Went AWOL”.
MOTHER OF THE TEEN: Whoa, sounds interesting! How can a patient forget that there is a doctor who can take away their pain?
CHILDLESS WOMAN: And how can nurses go AWOL when the patients see them more than the doctor?
PAUSE
The lights turn on over the “mid-seat” and the SLUGGARD MALE steps forward and sits.
SLUGGARD MALE: (Looks like a bum, a slouch.) They say sometimes you look the way you feel. Well, y’all get the picture. Man, mom says I can do anything I set my mind to. The problem is I don’t set my mind, shoot, or my hand to anything. Man, my teachers used to tell me all the time I must not have any goals. I have goals; I want to be a rapper, a singer (tries to sing but cracks), a judge, a doctor, a chef, the next Michael Jordan, a um what they call business people—ontamanure, a model (poses). Shoot, I just want people to know my name. But first I got to get off this couch. They expect me to work; I expect it to be handed to me. Matter of fact, did y’all bring me Christmas gifts (to the audience)? I was told to take baby steps, plant the seeds and find out my calling. But my sister says the only thing calling me is (a telephone rings, then SLUGGARD MALE answers) Hello, who is this?
TWO KIDS: Broke! And Busted!
HOLY SPIRIT To the ANGEL: Another one who doesn’t realize the potential I put in him, My purpose for which he was created and the destiny that I have for him. He lives in his comfort zone. Pride and fear are his companions. He doesn’t know that his lack of faith and lack of vision will set him on a course towards failure.
DEPRESSED LADY: (This person is holding a bottle of pills) I thought this bottle was the solution to my problems. I lie there in my bed with tears raining down my cheeks, snot oozing out of my nose. I looked a hot mess and I…was…exhausted and scared. Fear and worry gripped me and I didn’t want to live. I felt worthless. I believed every lie the devil told me. Then I heard…
HOLY SPIRIT: If you choose to go now, you’ll miss how things are going to turn out.
DEPRESSED LADY: Hmmm, He said that like something good was eventually coming. You mean this is going to work out for my good. All I have to do is surrender it all to Him.
HOLY SPIRIT: Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
DEPRESSED LADY: Don’t forfeit on your destiny; the storms may cause damage, but God won’t let them devour you. And He will restore you. Stay in Him!
TEENAGE MALE: After DEPRESSED LADY exits, he enters and sits. I was walking to the bus stop from school. That’s when I heard it. Bang (say it loud to the crowd and do the hand gesture) I couldn’t believe I was lying there with blood spreading over the concrete beneath me. Now I ain’t perfect and I might be reaping what I sow, but I’m serious. I want another chance. I admit these streets got me scared; I’m always looking over my shoulders. They got us out here thinking that they got power over who lives or die and that our lives ain’t worth living. But God, you created us; it had to be for a reason. I thought I heard my mother screaming. I don’t want to see her in pain. I didn’t want this to be it. I know I don’t deserve it but God, help!
MOTHER OF THE TEENAGER: (Screams) That’s my only son. My baby, barely hanging on. I tried the best I could. Some nights I wanted to give up. Raising children in these times literally feels like it’s killing you right along with them. But my Madea use to remind me that you have to pray without ceasing and I’m going to keep praying for mine, and for your child too. I’ll pray for them like they are my own; the devil cannot have our children. Hear me son! I’m not a perfect parent and you won’t be either but I’m going to keep speaking God’s Word over you and into you. I tried to raise you the best I can; now I must surrender you in God’s hands. Hell is real son and the devil wants to steal, kill and destroy your destiny. Lord, have mercy on my child!
CHILDLESS WOMAN: Cake and balloons placed on the table of my brain. I see his smile; I hear his voice and I feel his love. His vibrant personality greets me and then I’m hit with grief and regret. I let them take my little one, his dreams, and his talents. What was his purpose? What was his destiny going to be? Was he going to be the doctor who could bring relief to cancer patients or a cure for the Coronavirus? My child loved me but my career, reputation, my time was too much to risk; my heart deceived me. Now I miss what some call a fetus, but God calls him by name. Please forgive me God!
ANGEL of GOD: God forgives you! He sent me to warn you about the decision you were making, but your heart was hardened and broken. He knew you were afraid and He would have given you strength to raise His child because the child that He sent did not belong to you, but to Him. He put awesome gifts and talents in him and God was going to use him to help impact lives inside of a hospital’s surgery room. And that’s just half of what God called him to do. Yet, God loves you no matter what.
FEMALE ATHEIST: You Christians believe in anything these preachers put before you. There’s no God. I control my own universe; not some ancient, make-believe God. And who is this Jesus? Just some mere teacher with blue eyes you simple-minded people put trust in. God’s no more real than Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, these TV ministers, these reality shows. How can I believe in someone who let this world suffer? How could I believe in God who watched my pain? I’ll save myself. And by the way all I see is my grandmother and my mother suffering, and the so-called Christians’ lives not changing. There’s nothing grand going on with their lives, and you want me to serve a God like theirs.
HOLY SPIRIT: For since the creation of the world, My invisible qualities-eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. Command the waters of the sea to rise and then stop. Dress the lilies of the field and trees for the Fall. Command the sun to not rise or rule the universe at the same time with your words. Who made man spring forth from dust and who knit all your organs, cells, bones and flesh together in your mothers’ wombs? Is it you who breathes life into you and gives you new mercies day by day? Your disbelief in me is merely your rejection of me. You’re angry, but I can handle it. Talk with me. You’re bitter; your heart is hardened and your mind full of folly. You want love; I am love and I love you so much that it cannot be measured by man. I love you so much that I gave my only Begotten Son to take your place on the cross.
FEMALE CHRISTIAN: I don’t do emergency rooms but I’m feeling fatigued and dehydrated. I hate having to wait. I got so much stuff to do. So many places to go. You don’t even understand. (Cell phone rings and she answers it and starts gossiping on the phone, looks up at the audience after a few seconds) Oh, I’m sorry, I got distracted. What was I saying? Every detail has to be tended to and if I don’t take care of it, it won’t get done and it won’t be done right. I stay busy; dinner parties, errands for the family, school, choir, women’s ministry, book club, catering business, hair appointments, church, my fave reality show. (Looks at a female in the audience) Yes, Hunni, I got a lot on my plate and leftovers in the fridge. I give everyone and everything my time and attention. The only one I haven’t given my undivided time and attention to is myself.
HOLY SPIRIT: That’s a lie; the only one you have not given your time and attention to is Me. Fix your eyes on me!
ANGEL: (Walks in with a chart.) The doctor will see you all now.
The world is sick and the children of God are destined to be the medicine for a sick world, but oftentimes they are distracted and enveloped by plagues that were never meant to hang over their spiritual doorposts. So walk in God’s forgiveness, surrender your lives to Him, and come out of your comfort zone, allow Him to renew your minds, pray without ceasing. Intercede for the children of today, the single parent, the young man without a vision, the young woman who aborted her child’s destiny, the one who may be in great despair, and for your sister and brother to fight the good fight of faith. Someone’s life depends on your obedience to God and intercession on their behalf. The Holy Spirit is here to help and Jesus, who was born and died and resurrected for your sake, is waiting with open arms!
Tannika Nikeya 